omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
