Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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