you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
