Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Welp...herpes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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