planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Come on in and take your pants off
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