I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
