is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
false alarm. still invincible.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
