we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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