Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
