Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
