I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Randomize
