The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
