Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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