she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
