Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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