You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
