hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
