he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize
