Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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