you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
