last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All I want is dick and wine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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