holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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