dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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