i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
