just come out here and I will go home with you...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
