My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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