You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
