did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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