I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
