I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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