I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
