oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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