I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
