I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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