then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
