i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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