You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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