I have demons in me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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