I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
