K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
