Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
