Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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