how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
