Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
