If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize