last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
