Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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