i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
