He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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