what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
