Soap is not a condiment
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
