No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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