Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
