I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
