Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
