you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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