Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
