I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize