Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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